Yesterday I had a pretty rough day. Mostly because of my own expectations, and what expecting can do to you.(I don’t believe in airing dirty laundry, so that’s all the more I’ll say on that subject.)
So when this thing happened I all but lost it. My anger, fear, and personal demons saw their chance, and attacked!
However, I weathered my personal storm of self doubt and grandiose delusions to come out on the other side a better man.
I’m a firm believer in getting your feelings out. If you’re sad enough to cry, do so and tell anyone who doesn’t understand to shove off. If you’re angry, go talk to the person upsetting you and handle it. Simple, easy responses to keep you and those you love happy.
Yesterday I tried a different approach. One I’ve used before with success, but that utterly failed yesterday.
I tried to write it out. Growing up I struggled with anger issues, and this was a technique I used when I truly felt overwhelmed to the point that I can’t even talk. And up until yesterday, it never failed to calm me down. I could work out the aggression, and not have to worry about actually hurting someone or breaking something.
But what I wrote yesterday was deplorable. Full of curses(I know I cuss a lot!) and thoughts that were just too much even for me.
If you’ve followed this blog for awhile, you know that I don’t shy away from controversy. You only need to listen to my latest work to know I’m not afraid to do or say controversial things, but what I wrote yesterday even I don’t think is salvagable.
The incoherent ramblings of a half crazed man, angry with grief and sorrow, I actually wanted that tone for what I was writing. The next day though, it seems like a poor excuse of a scene that I will need to rewrite.
I’m happy it happened yesterday though, as I like to glean what I can from what I observe. And what I’ve observed about myself is I’m pretty good at putting myself in someone else’s shoes.
See, when I tried writing my own grief and suffering down, it came out disjointed and rambling, to the point that I’m not even sure what kind of a message I was trying to get across.
But when I try to write about my neighbors busy fighting each other for their short comings it seemed to have much better thought, a stronger sense of emotions, and all but jumps off the page. I’ve never even met them, but, with my mind calm, I was able to color them with my own idiosyncrasies.
I’m not a big ritual guy, I don’t have a set routine I follow. I always just am who I am and felt how I feel, but I’m finding I may need to change that.
I meditate pretty regularly, at least three times a week, but I may need to increase the amount. After seeing just how much my own emotions can affect my writing, it makes me want to strive to never have it interfere again.